Stand Out. Stand Up.

I am imperfect.

And Satan reminds me of that daily.

I dwell on the unbearing thought that I have imperfections and flaws that make me who I am. 

I don't always like the fact that I am who I am because of them...

I have recently discovered this blog, chattingatthesky.com, that imposes truth on my fragile heart time and time again. The author of this blog reveals that underneath her put together life, that she is not so put together after all. That she is in desperate need of grace. It really does minister to my soul. You should check it out.

As I read and discover her heart more, I am reminded of my own self. There is a longing that is stirring up inside of me to want to change this dark and desperate world; yet, I seem to lack the courage in every department to move in any sort of direction. Fear hides around the corner no matter where I turn. It hides itself in many ugly forms though.

What will people think of me if I do this?

Are others doing this?

Will I be able to fulfill this mission?

Do I have what it takes?

The list could go on...

In Joshua 1, I sense God's need to remind Joshua to be courageous. Joshua was to succeed Moses in leadership, to lead a large number of people to the land the Lord had reserved for the Israelites. I can only imagine how Joshua was feeling about that daunting task. The Israelites were a tough crowd nonetheless in a larger overview. They had abandoned their God time and time again. Yet, Joshua took up this task. But when God's heart speaks to his servant Joshua, I sense that He is speaking to one who is fearful of the task ahead of him:

 "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them. "Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (1:6-9)

If you missed it, God says to be strong and courageous not just one time but three times. 

Be strong and courageous.

Be strong and very courageous.

Be strong and courageous. 

And lastly God says:

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged (the opposite of courageous..). 

From these three verses alone, I sense that Joshua was like you and me: scared. He was like any human being with imperfections and doubts that he would never measure up to the ideal person (in his case, Moses). 

But God spoke truth when he needed it the most. And God is speaking it to you and me if we are willing to hear His voice. 

As we go on fighting the fight, let us fight with courage, knowing that our God is the God of courage and strength. 

Find courage.

Be courage.

Live courage.

Shaky Bones

As I went for a walk this evening, I watched the sunset all around me. Blue skies gone pink and orange with a hint of purple peeking through. Walking, I chatted at the sky. More like to the Lord. The thing about the sky setting at night is that that is its purpose in life. The sun will always rise, whether you see it or not. It will make its mark on the sky and in return the sky will portray various colors throughout the day. 

That is its purpose. 

Sometimes, I'm completely clueless about what my purpose is in life. It's a mystery that I can't seem to solve. Most times, I feel like a nomad roaming on this place called earth. I bounce back and forth from one thing to another without ever feeling as if that's what I'm really called to do. I think I'm at a crossroad; yet, I stand before hundreds of roads it feels like without any sort of direction. I pray for direction with no clear understanding of the Lord or my ears miss his small gentle voice. I live in confusion most times...

In doubt and confusion, I feel like I'm flawed. I see so many of my friends around me following their calling as I sit, continuing to wait. I can't help to think that I missed something.

I recently was married to the most amazing person on the entire planet, if I must say so myself. This man brings me joy and happiness. He understands me like no other person I've known. To be his wife is an honor. 

This is my purpose: to love him until death does us part. 

But it is not my only purpose and it is not my identity.

When these thoughts rush endlessly through my mind and begin to captivate my heart, I'm reminded of these scriptures:

"...the God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not." Romans 4:17

"We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God." 2 Corinthians 5:20

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf..." Hebrews 6:19

"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." 1 John 4:12

I must remind my heart always of my true purpose in life. Whether living in a jungle, a third world country, or in my American home. My purpose is the same.

To bring life to the dead.

My purpose is to take the light of Christ to those who have fallen asleep. To wake the dead soul and bring it to Christ. 

This is my purpose in life. I don't necessarily have a specific calling on earth. But I know that even in my searching of what my calling is before going home, that I have been called to life so that I may bring life to others.

Let us shine forth into a dark, dark world.

Hiding My Soul

I've realized some things in the past few days about myself:

I'm insecure.

I worry too much.

I have a fear of failing.

I want to be perfect.

On the outside, however, I seem like I have it all together and that life is perfect already. This brings me to my fifth realization:

I'm hiding.

I'm human. I don't like to be vulnerable and I am desperately afraid of people knowing who I really am on the inside because the inside of me isn't as pretty as the outside. I fear the thought of all the people in my life knowing each mistake I've made and how I haven't measured up to the portrait of who I'm suppose to be in their eyes. Sometimes I want to run and scream in the other direction of everything I know so that I don't have to face the life that I feel that I'm not measuring up to. Instead, I put on a "I have it all together" mask on and hide who I am underneath.

Sometimes I want to rip my mask off and be free...

I want to be confident.

I want to not worry about things I can't control. 

I want to know that I will never be perfect and fail but still be ok with it.

I want to be found.

I think as people, we put too much into what others think of us. This is called our reputation and we would do anything to live up to the standard that comes with that reputation. 

As I was reading in the Word last night, I came to Philippians 3:4-6: 

(Paul)

"Though I myself have reasons for such confidence.If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless."

Paul had a great reputation that he had to measure up to. Circumcised. Israelite. Tribe of Benjamin. Hebrew. Pharisee. Zealous. Faultless.

Yet, in the next few verses you read this:

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ  and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings,becoming like him in his death,  and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead." 

I find comfort and encouragement in this. For like Paul, I'm not required to measure up to this standard I've placed on myself. I can consider these things loss for the sake of Christ. 

There will be times that I will gladly put on that mask. I'm still human.

But knowing there's freedom waiting for me in taking it off?

That's the beauty in being found.

"But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

Redeeming Love

The Old Testament is intriguing. The words you read are so real and even unreal at times. I've heard times over and over again by our culture that the Old Testament has no relation to our lives today. 

But it does.

It offers and sets up the story of redemption that we see in the New Testament. Without knowledge of the OT, I'm not so sure that we could fully understand the New Testament. Without knowledge of the past, we will never understand fully why there was a need for redemption.

The book of Hosea has become one of my favorite Old Testament books if not my favorite book of the Bible. I read it first on my first trip to Togo. I've read it multiple times since then because it offers hope for this fragile heart. It offers a story of redemption to one so undeserving of it. 

If you have never read this book, here is an overview: Hosea was a prophet called by God to the northern kingdom of Israel who had become a very sinful nation and who had forsaken their God. In return, God called Hosea to take a prostitute as his wife to be a real life witness of the Lord's love for His people. Hosea obeyed and took Gomer, an adulterous woman, as his wife. She then began to conceive children, possibly not even Hosea's children. Continuing with Israel, you clearly witness their unfaithfulness to God. As Gomer is unfaithful to Hosea, Israel is unfaithful to their God. Though He wishes to destroy them, God never can bring himself to do this task because His love is too strong for them and He longs to rescue and restore them.

This story offers hope to this fragile heart. As I read Hosea over and over again, I can relate because I can whisper that...

I am Israel,

I have forsaken my God over and over again,

I have had to be rescued countless times..

This story brings tears to my eyes each time Gomer is unfaithful to her husband, Hosea. It is a covenant between husband and wife, yet, it is broken more than once.

But haven't we broken a similar covenant with God more than once?

"Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." (Deuteronomy 6:4-5)

"And if we are careful to obey all this law before the Lord our God, as he has commanded us, that will be our righteousness." (Deuteronomy 6:25)

As I meditate upon the words of Hosea to the people of Israel, I am pierced to the heart with conviction. 

“Haul your mother into court. Accuse her!

    She’s no longer my wife.

    I’m no longer her husband.

Tell her to quit dressing like a whore,

    displaying her breasts for sale.

If she refuses, I’ll rip off her clothes

    and expose her, naked as a newborn.

I’ll turn her skin into dried-out leather,

    her body into a badlands landscape,

    a rack of bones in the desert.

I’ll have nothing to do with her children,

    born one and all in a whorehouse.

Face it: Your mother’s been a whore,

    bringing bastard children into the world.

She said, ‘I’m off to see my lovers!

    They’ll wine and dine me,

Dress and caress me,

    perfume and adorn me!’

But I’ll fix her: I’ll dump her in a field of thistles,

    then lose her in a dead-end alley.

She’ll go on the hunt for her lovers

    but not bring down a single one.

She’ll look high and low

    but won’t find a one. Then she’ll say,

‘I’m going back to my husband, the one I started out with.

    That was a better life by far than this one.’

She didn't know that it was I all along

    who wined and dined and adorned her,

That I was the one who dressed her up

    in the big-city fashions and jewelry

    that she wasted on wild Baal-orgies.

I’m about to bring her up short: No more wining and dining!

    Silk lingerie and gowns are a thing of the past.

I’ll expose her genitals to the public.

    All her fly-by-night lovers will be helpless to help her.

Party time is over. I’m calling a halt to the whole business,

    her wild weekends and unholy holidays.

I’ll wreck her sumptuous gardens and ornamental fountains,

    of which she bragged, ‘Whoring paid for all this!’

They will soon be dumping grounds for garbage,

    feeding grounds for stray dogs and cats.

I’ll make her pay for her indulgence in promiscuous religion—

    all that sensuous Baal worship

And all the promiscuous sex that went with it,

    stalking her lovers, dressed to kill,

And not a thought for me.”

    God’s Message!

(Hosea 2:2-13)

In all of their wicked deeds, they forsook the only good and true thing that could ever exist. But I call this scripture to mind from the last chapter in Hosea:

"I will heal their way wardness and love them freely, for my anger has turned away from them." (14:4)

This gives me hope like no other. This story is a beautiful example of redeeming love that the Father has for me and for you. To say that the old testament is irrelevant now is largely mistaken and even offensive. It gives us a greater appreciation for grace, something that we now receive because of Christ. This heart of mine takes refuge in these words that God whispers so gently to me and I will deeply cherish them forever. 

"The Lord did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. But it was because the Lord loved you and kept the oath he swore to your ancestors that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt. Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments."

(Deuteronomy 7:7-9)