I've realized some things in the past few days about myself:
I'm insecure.
I worry too much.
I have a fear of failing.
I want to be perfect.
On the outside, however, I seem like I have it all together and that life is perfect already. This brings me to my fifth realization:
I'm hiding.
I'm human. I don't like to be vulnerable and I am desperately afraid of people knowing who I really am on the inside because the inside of me isn't as pretty as the outside. I fear the thought of all the people in my life knowing each mistake I've made and how I haven't measured up to the portrait of who I'm suppose to be in their eyes. Sometimes I want to run and scream in the other direction of everything I know so that I don't have to face the life that I feel that I'm not measuring up to. Instead, I put on a "I have it all together" mask on and hide who I am underneath.
Sometimes I want to rip my mask off and be free...
I want to be confident.
I want to not worry about things I can't control.
I want to know that I will never be perfect and fail but still be ok with it.
I want to be found.
I think as people, we put too much into what others think of us. This is called our reputation and we would do anything to live up to the standard that comes with that reputation.
As I was reading in the Word last night, I came to Philippians 3:4-6:
(Paul)
"Though I myself have reasons for such confidence.If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless."
Paul had a great reputation that he had to measure up to. Circumcised. Israelite. Tribe of Benjamin. Hebrew. Pharisee. Zealous. Faultless.
Yet, in the next few verses you read this:
"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings,becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead."
I find comfort and encouragement in this. For like Paul, I'm not required to measure up to this standard I've placed on myself. I can consider these things loss for the sake of Christ.
There will be times that I will gladly put on that mask. I'm still human.
But knowing there's freedom waiting for me in taking it off?
That's the beauty in being found.
"But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
1 Samuel 16:7
