Having a Job go to the Hospital

The past three weeks have been hard. Over the span of about 7 days, I developed a very infectious boil under my arm, unable to do anything. It caused a great deal of pain and frustration due to the fact that I wasn't able to sleep, move my arm, or be around my favorite children from fear of them pulling on my arm. By the first week of having this, I was discouraged beyond belief. I came home one day from the clinic, dizzy and nauseus, and sat there and cried. Like any normal person, I demanded an answer from the Lord about why I had to go through this. I thought coming to third world country for almost 3 months, serving and loving the Lord wholeheartedely was enough. Not to come and sit in my room crying and suffering from this giant mass under my arm. I was a broken and confused human being. 

Yet, in that moment and the ones falling it, I learned how small I am in this world. That I am but a breath of air passing by. As I continued sitting there angry and upset, I thought about Job, a man who was deliberately put to the test for his love and dedication of God himself:

"And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?” Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Does Job fear God for no reason? Have you not put a hedge around him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. But stretch out your hand and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand.” So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord." (Job 1:8-12)

"And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, he is in your hand; only spare his life.” (2:6)

After God allows Satan to have control over him, by killing everything he owned and even inflicting him with sores, this is what Job does:

"Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong” (1:20-22)

Many people may look past the whole point of this story and question why God would allow this to begin with. That's not the point. As humans, we have no right to question the way and authority of God. Should the clay tell the potter that he didn't shape it how it should have been shaped? Should the creation cry out to the creator that he did not create something of good standard? Absolutely not. Like Job, we must learn to praise God in the good and bad times. For Job says: "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" (2:10) If we are only praising Him in the good, we are missing the entire point altogether. Even Paul, a man over familiar with hardship, knew that "We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God." (Acts 14:22). 

Not to mention Christ on the cross...

Two days later, however, I was taken to the hospital to see what could be done about it. Unfortunately, the only option we had was to let it be cut open for the infection to be taken out. I have never had to go through any surgery my entire life. I never thought I would go through something like that in Africa either. I never expected someone to cut open my arm with a blade...without numbing medicine. I pray I never have to go through that again. Although this experience was a trying time, I praise God daily for it. It's all I can do. If it wasn't for these last few weeks here, I may have never had the chance to learn this lesson in the first place.

Maybe it's the reason I was to come back to small little Togo to begin with. 

"The Lord said to Job: Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!" (Job 40:1-2)

"For he wounds but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal." (Job 5:18)

Lord have your way in me.   

 

Loving on Jacque

Today as I went to church, I didn't expect to see my sweet seven year old friend, Jacque, with a swollen shut and red eye. I didn't expect tears to come to my own eyes when I saw him. I didn't expect to walk with him with his hand in mine the whole way home, he never leaving my side. I didn't expect my heart to ache each time I saw him looking down in Sunday school, when he is almost always laughing and smiling along with the others. I didn't expect him to look at me with those eyes as if saying it hurts.

I didn't expect my heart to filled with an immense amount of love that I couldn't even handle it myself.

 My heart has never been so broken. When you see others in pain you feel bad for them. When you see someone you've come to love in pain, you feel the pain yourself. You do anything you can to try and help. Whether it's taking them to the hospital or holding their small, tiny hand in yours and never letting go.

If there's one thing I've learned while being here in Togo, is that you can't love these people on your own. There's no way possible that I can love these people. The only way possible is through Christ in me. It's not easy to love. I could say the opposite is true. Today I had to love through Christ because every part of me wanted to be angry at whatever caused the pain for my sweet friend; yet, Christ called me to love him for that moment. 

This reminds me of Jesus and the small children. The disciples saw the children coming, running with excitement to Jesus; yet, the disciples rebuke them and tell them to leave him alone. At this, Jesus becomes ferious at them and yells, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." (Mark 10:14) He then takes the children into his arms and loves them with blessings.

This has become one of my favorite stories since I've been here in Togo. The children here are what draw me to this place, because otherwise, I would not be here. Being away from home isn't easy. But seeing and hearing about children being killed for satanic worship is worse. So many of them have no choice but to follow these practices as they grow up because it's all they are exposed to. Yet, their souls are at risk of being punished for eternity. If my life on earth is but a flash, I'm willing to give everything to love the least of these.

In loving Jacque today, I learned that all it takes to love a child is plenty of hugs, laughing, and letting them lay in your lap while holding their hand as you read them a book. It's that easy.

The affect, however, is eternal. 

"Jesus looked at them and said, 'With human beings this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."' (Mark 10:27)


"Out of the mouth of babies and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger." (Psalm 8:2)

Blankets and Kisses

I am so thankful for days like these. Days where hot chocolate and cuddling with children watching Ernest Goes to Africa, listening to laughter and rain falling outside is perfect. As I woke up this morning, I expected to see the sun shining but instead watched the rain fall outside of my window. I drew my blanket closer to me as I thought about the comforting love of the Savior and felt the cold air outside. It's not too often that it's cold here. But on these days, I'm reminded of the love and perfect grace Christ gives us. Like when you wear a white shirt, it doesn't matter how dirty you are at the end of the day because the hugs and back rides of little ones are more important. I'm reminded each time the children are filthy and are covered in dirt, you can't help but to pick them up and cover them in kisses. Each time a small, helpless baby falls asleep in your arms with her tiny fingers wrapped around yours, I can't help but be in awe. The Lord sings over us with His unfailing love each day; yet, I believe we are so close minded to the ways that he reminds us that we can't even see it. We need to open our minds to the mysterious ways of God because He is revealing Himself more than we are even aware of. Even now, as my 6 year old sweet girl sits with me at the table drawing and learning her numbers in English (her third language), I'm humbled at the feet of Jesus.

It's on days like these that I'm reminded that His love is better than life.

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you,

as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. 

So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,

beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life,

my lips will praise you.

So I will bless you as long as I live;

in your name I will lift up my hands."

 Psalm 63

Living in the Moment

Many people think that when you're living in Africa that the hardest part will be getting use to not having the things you usually have in America, to give up the comforts of your normal life. The opposite is true. No, to live in Africa means you have to learn to live in the moment. It doesn't mean having a specific agenda that will actually go according to planned. If you say you'll leave at five in the morning, it actually means you'll probably leave at seven instead. It means that you learn to laugh at yourself more than usual and get use to everyone knowing what's going on in your life. Everyone is friends whether you've known them five years or five minutes (especially if you can speak one or two words in there language). It means you may be working in a medical clinic where a small enfant comes in screaming and crying with a cut open and infected foot while a fourteen year old boy is being rushed in from the road with a fresh, it-just-happened, motorbike accident, blood gushing all over the floor. Africa is not a place you would dream of living in with its impoverished land and suffering around every corner. But on days like these, it's everything I want. Where after just stitching a leg back together you're laughing and dancing with your friends to some small radio with music you don't even know. Where when it pours and storms outside, you run to the roof dancing in the rain while chasing the children in the compound, trying not to slip in the red mud. But really because you fall over someone because you're all gathered in a house singing and praising God; laughing and reading the Bible. 

 This is the life that I've been called to live and I never want to miss a day of it. Here in this small country called Togo, life is being made new; it makes everything seem so small. Watching children less than 10 years old fight over food in a poor village puts things into perspective. It's not something you see everyday and it makes everything else seem unimportant in your life. This is what it means to live in the moment. That when all you see is suffering and anguish all around you, you look for anything good and beautiful to praise God for. It may be a sunrise or sunset. Maybe laughing with wound patients or the laughter of school children just outside of the church. It can even be friendships forming and later coming together in prayer and crying together. I guess that's how God sees our lives. Though we see past mistakes and brokeness in our lives, he sees the beauty instead. This is what grace looks like. 

We need to start living in the moment.

God of Peace

Today, I decided to go outside in nature and spend time with the Lord. I'm at my grandma's this weekend so it's hard to get away at times. But as I was sitting, this is what I wrote in my journal:

"As I sit here, all I here is a dog barking his head off because of me. He thinks I'm on his territory, or he's afraid of me. The thoughts in my head as I sit in the beauty of your creation is that we are just like this. We desire for so many to hear what it is we have to say and we'll do or say whatever it is to be heard. It's our human instinct to desire this, for others to know the deep details of our life. Sometimes we're so desperate for this that we give ourselves away, whether physically or emotionally, risking the fullness of our hearts in the hands of a human being, I don't think this desire is wrong, but we've been made to experience a relationship like this already, with one who desires the same kind of relationship. ' For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.' (Psalm 139) The more I entangle my emotions with humans, the more I feel unsatisfied. And the answer is so simple as to why: We were made to be entangled in the One who knows us completely, and loves like no other. As I grow older, I understand this concept more and more. I know each person I form a relationship with is going to fail me and I will fail them. But I know my god will never fail me, even though I will fail Him. Because the truth is that God is looking intently for those who love Him. His love never fails and always satisfies. We can always entangle ourselves in Him but never come out with a broken heart. I'm tired of being a loud, barking dog. It's time I become like a sparrow, always counting on the unfailing One who provides." 

I think about how many times this happens, that we so willingly give our hearts away without meaning to. While vulnerability is normal, we must guard the inner parts of our soul and give them to the Protector. He longs for us to come to Him first. He never says no to what we have to say :)

"For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him." 2 Chronicles 16:9 

Holding Nothing Back

I'm learning in this life that God calls His servants to do things that they would normally not do, things that are uncomfortable. Things that people don't understand and things that the world says you're crazy if you do it. But Jesus clearly says in Matthew 10:39 "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

My whole life I have taken the easy way out or listened to others about what I "should" or "shouldn't" do, you know, the simple comfortable thing. I get so wrapped up in what others will think about me if I do a certain thing. I never knew this about myself until this year. Whether I'm trying to please my family and friends or someone I look up to, it happens.

It gets tiring trying to please people. I think I'm ready to please the One who deserves all of my dedication.

I'm ready to loose my life for something that's greater than me so that I can find my life. No that doesn't make sense whatsoever, but I hold onto that promise; the promise that gives me true life. In saying this I'm unsure of what will happen next at this point of my life but I know it will be great. Something I can't piece together or imagine right now. With Jesus, it's all in or nothing right? When God closes one door, He will always open another if you are willing. I'm willing. No matter the cost. I may even look crazy to some. Courageous to others. But there's nothing special about me, honestly. Except that something changed my life: the deep love of Jesus Christ. Oh how I'm seeing His love more and more. And seeing that He doesn't call us to live for ourselves...

I'm ready to find my life.

"In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. I trust in you, do not let me be put to shame nor let my enemies triumph over me." Psalm 25:1-2

A Field of Flowers

I am falling in love. But it's not with who you probably think. It's not some knight-like man who came and swept me off my feet on his white chariot horse with his long dark brown hair and gorgeous eyes. It's not a man who can serenade me with his beautiful guitar playing or a bouquet of my favorite flowers (white lilies, btw). This man doesn't give me expensive jewelry, take me out to dinner, write me cards randomly, or any of the above. The man I'm falling in love with was dirty, homeless, rejected, rebellious, and crucified on an instrument made specifically for torture.

I can't help but feel this way each time I think about my true love. My soul longs to be filled with a love that satisfies like no other, and He is the only one who can actually accomplish that unbelievable task. When I went halfway across the world in pursuit of this man, some people thought I was being ridiculous while some encouraged me to do whatever it took to pursue Him. The world screams at me that I need to find the right one, get married, and have kids as soon as possible. But why can't they see that I'm content in being made whole by the protector of my heart? This man is the only one who has ever come close to understanding me. He is the one who knows me more intimately than anyone. He holds my heart when it is completely shattered and wipes away the tears with His comforting presence. He picks me up when I fall so hard on my face that I'm embarrassed to even get back up again. He's patient, thoughtful, and takes me back when I mess up over and over again. He knows my struggles and helps me overcome them. I know I can talk to Him and He'll listen (even though I should be listening more). He knows me completely and He loves me despite my failures and flaws. He even understands my obsession with flowers.

So how is it that can I settle for less than what the world is throwing at me?

Many girls imagine a man like this and search for him and never find him. I'm even guilty of this myself. We try to find contentment in a human being instead of the One who can fulfill our every desire in a romantic relationship. We attempt to finish the novel that we've been writing all of these years but every ending is just as bad as the one before that (if not worse!). I've understood all of this and I'm no stranger to this concept. I understand the broken heart syndrome when you get your heart back in a trillion pieces. I understand the loneliness and feelings of inadequacy. I understand the desire to find that true prince riding in on a beautiful white horse coming to take you to his kingdom. It's every woman's wish.

But I've come to realize that if we ever want that novel to have a happy ending, we have to first stop writing it. It's not our story to write, but the one who knows every part of us. The One I speak of, this lover of my soul, He is the author of this fairy tell. But truth be told, He already wrote the ending when He gave up His very life to love us. We don't have to search for this love that will never satisfy. We just have to look in the eyes of the true love, Jesus. I know that it is only this man who fills my longing for love.

I think right now I'm ok in this season of singleness because I already have my knight-in-shining armor. He's coming back for me, His bride. I'm His bride. Your His bride. We're the bride of Christ and He's coming back for us someday. I'll hold onto that promise as long as I'm alive.

And He'll give me white lilies every single day forever when He takes me to His kingdom :)

"I looked, and there before me was a white horse! Its rider held a bow, and he was given a crown, and he rode out as a conqueror bent on conquest." Revelation 6:2

"And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:3

Shipwrecked

The past two months have felt like a blur to me. Looking back on it, I think God is trying to ruin me. I think He has been doing this for awhile, however, I didn't comprehend it until I was on a plane to West Africa. Even when I landed, I still didn't fully comprehend it. I don't think I'll ever fully comprehend what God is doing to me. I never knew what one girl and a guitar could do. How humbled I was by the Lord in my ignorance of His power. My heart has never desired to love one people group so much until I fell in love with Vogan. Actually, my heart is still there. 

I say I'm studying music therapy in school. Will I be doing that in the future? I'm not sure anymore. One thing I'm certain of, however, is that God is sovereign. I am confident that He has something greater planned for me than I have ever imagined, or can even accept at the moment. Most of me wants to run away from what He has planned for me. Being in love with one place doesn't make it easier to accept giving up everything to be a light there. I know that running in circles around a mighty God will never further the kingdom either. The only thing I can do is submit and be obedient to what He desires of me. 

I think of Peter often these days. He had a wife but followed his Jesus instead. I wonder if that meant she came along also, or if he had to leave her behind. I don't know what it's like to trade someone that special for someone who could get you killed. Peter must have thought it was worth it. He faced persecution, imprisonment, beatings, death. But he was the rock that Jesus built His church on, even though he denied Him three times. He was willing to give it all away for the most valuable treasure. 

I think there should be a warning on prayer. Be careful when you pray that you surrender everything to follow Jesus, because He may take everything from you. You may face persecution. People may think you're crazy. You may face death. God may even throw you into another continent thousands and thousands miles from home.

That's what happened to me.