Today, I am 24 weeks pregnant with a little baby girl. Her name is Hope Alia Palaganas. As I write this, she's kicking me in the bladder. But that's a blessing to me. You see, at 10 weeks pregnant, I was in the hospital. Alone. Afraid. And hopeless. I had a blood clot that caused abnormal amounts of bleeding late that night. I didn't find out until the next morning what was wrong. The ER doctor called it a threatened miscarriage. My doctor said it was just a small clot caused by the placenta separating from the uterus and not to worry about it. That it was normal in early pregnancy. Several people throughout my pregnancy have said similar things, that bleeding in pregnancy is normal.
That is not normal to me.
That is not the way God intended it to be.
Then he said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.”
This was the punishment in the garden from God to Eden for disobeying him. He gave his first man and woman only one rule and they disregarded it. Because of that, women would suffer pain in childbirth and other complications that came along with it. If that is the case, then how can we be confident in pregnancy, knowing whether we will lose the life inside?
Hope.
The dictionary defines hope as a feeling of desire for something and confidence in the possibility of its fulfillment. In this passage from Bible Study Tools we read this about hope in the Old Testament Scriptures:
"For much of the Old Testament period hope was centered on this world. The beleaguered hoped to be delivered from their enemies ( Psalm 25 ); the sick hoped to recover from illness ( Isa 38:10-20 ). Israelites trusted God to provide land, peace, and prosperity. In early passages there are few expressions of hope for the next world. Those who descend to the grave have no hope ( Isa 38:18-19 ). Only those still living could hope ( Ecclesiastes 9:4-6 Ecclesiastes 9:10 ), as salvation was for this life. Toward the end of the Old Testament God made known his plan to bring his everlasting kingdom to earth ( Dan 2:44 ; 7:13-14 ) and to raise the dead ( 12:2 ). At that point hope became more focused on the next world, especially on the resurrection. God will "swallow up death forever" ( Isa 25:7 ), and the dead will rise again (26:19); this is the salvation for which the faithful wait ( 25:9 )."
I find comfort in knowing that God will swallow up death forever.
After leaving the hospital, I went in a downward spiral of fear, loneliness, and hopelessness. You do not tell someone who's biggest fear is loosing someone that they almost had a miscarriage.
But God is faithful.
At my 23 week check up, the doctor told me that my baby was easy to work with and that "that was easy" to find her heartbeat. For a new mother to be, hearing those words are reassuring. Pregnancy is definitely a different experience but I am overjoyed that I get the chance to carry this little growing girl inside of me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry a little.
But God is faithful, even in the darkness...
I am reminded of the woman who was bleeding for 12 years who had lost all hope whatsoever of being healed. In her culture, she was considered unclean because of her bleeding. That meant that human contact was forbidden. Think about never being touched or hugged by another person for twelve years. Talk about loneliness. But what does Jesus do? He gives her hope directly from heaven. When she touches his cloak, she is instantly healed. A miracle. Not only was she healed, but she was called "Daughter" by God himself. I have goosebumps just imagining this scene play out. (Matthew 9:20-22; Mark 5:25-34; Luke 8:43-48)
I have many expectations for my baby. Not in the way you think though.
I pray that she will be a dreamer.
I pray that she will be a seeker.
I pray that she will be a lover of broken things.
I pray that she will be the hope of heaven.
Before Kevin and I even found out that we were pregnant, we had decided on Hope as a baby girl's name if it ever was to be. Before we found out that we were having a baby girl, we decided on Hope Alia as her first and middle name. It isn't surprising then that before my hospital visit that we had already picked this name out. I don't believe in coincidences at all.
Hope = a person or thing that gives cause for hope
Alia = from heaven
I would say that she is living up to her name so far.
