Shipwrecked

The past two months have felt like a blur to me. Looking back on it, I think God is trying to ruin me. I think He has been doing this for awhile, however, I didn't comprehend it until I was on a plane to West Africa. Even when I landed, I still didn't fully comprehend it. I don't think I'll ever fully comprehend what God is doing to me. I never knew what one girl and a guitar could do. How humbled I was by the Lord in my ignorance of His power. My heart has never desired to love one people group so much until I fell in love with Vogan. Actually, my heart is still there. 

I say I'm studying music therapy in school. Will I be doing that in the future? I'm not sure anymore. One thing I'm certain of, however, is that God is sovereign. I am confident that He has something greater planned for me than I have ever imagined, or can even accept at the moment. Most of me wants to run away from what He has planned for me. Being in love with one place doesn't make it easier to accept giving up everything to be a light there. I know that running in circles around a mighty God will never further the kingdom either. The only thing I can do is submit and be obedient to what He desires of me. 

I think of Peter often these days. He had a wife but followed his Jesus instead. I wonder if that meant she came along also, or if he had to leave her behind. I don't know what it's like to trade someone that special for someone who could get you killed. Peter must have thought it was worth it. He faced persecution, imprisonment, beatings, death. But he was the rock that Jesus built His church on, even though he denied Him three times. He was willing to give it all away for the most valuable treasure. 

I think there should be a warning on prayer. Be careful when you pray that you surrender everything to follow Jesus, because He may take everything from you. You may face persecution. People may think you're crazy. You may face death. God may even throw you into another continent thousands and thousands miles from home.

That's what happened to me.

When the Heart Grows Faint

We all find ourselves at this place in our lives over and over again: too weak to go on. So many times we can't find the strength to go on anymore and we tend to give up on ourselves and even on everything that surrounds us. What's worse is that we give up on the faith that once held us together. Why is it so easy to believe in a God during good times but when something takes a turn for the worse, we turn our back on the one thing that remained unchanging in our life?

I'm learning lately that I am a failure. I am a human that cannot control anything going on in my life. I can't even control the grades I get in my classes, let alone the friendships I try and hold together. I'm learning that I am weak and without something holding me together, I am nothing. But there's one thing:

Hope is here.

God said in John 14:18, I will not leave you as orphans but I will come to you. Sometimes this verse is so hard to believe in. At times in my life, I feel like the most unwanted person on the planet. But this verse tells me something different: that even the most unwanted person he will come to. I wonder what it would be like to be an orphan; to not have one person to take care of you, to love you. Jesus said he would come to them.

How comforting.

I have seen what it is like to give up hope. To have no hope. To feel no love. To feel alone. It makes me realize that I do not want to give up the most precious thing in my life: the relationship I have with a redeeming God. Whenever I want to give up, he shows me what it looks like to not have faith or hope in Him. This makes me want to pursue Him even harder because without hope, I can't find my way. It's easy to give up but what will that do? Will it not just leave me in despair and wanting a love that only God can fulfill?

That's precisely what it would do..

My sacrifice, oh God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. When my heart grows faint, hold it in your gentle hands and bring life to it again.

I Will Come

The past few weeks, I have had a very heavy heart because of the choices I have made. I have lost heart that God can truly heal me. I think over and over again that He will come to my rescue; yet, I never feel like He does. This has left me feeling alone a lot, even when I have loving people surrounding and encouraging me. It amazes me how quickly I forget that the God I love is sovereign, but I do each time my sin separates me from Him. Satan has used this attack on me so many times now that I guess I've just lost hope that it can actually get better.

But it will.

Although the pain is hard and time doesn't seem to be helping, it will. God is sovereign. He knows me better than I know myself. He's there, even when I feel abandoned. It is the truth of God's word that will help me to see. I know I can overcome the darkness, for the lover of my soul taught me of His power in the light. I will admit, it is easier to give up and leave everything behind; yet, isn't it so much more worth fighting for? Fighting for this relationship with the most intimate God there is? I think so, even if my heart doesn't feel that right now. This truth, it can set me free. My heart will wait for Him. Until then, I will keep my lamp burning bright in the hope that He will find me. Waiting.

When it feels like everything is falling apart, that's usually when God is putting it all back together..

Wait for me child, I'm in love with you. It's a solemn vow, I'll come back for you. I promise. 

Unfailing Love

As a young woman after God's own heart, I don't want anything to stand in the way of my true love and me. This means that I must put off everything that will try to intervene and destroy this love. However, the past few weeks, maybe even months, I have given into the world and what it is telling me: "Give up, you will never know what true love is." 


Growing up, I never had a father figure in my life and I am realizing now how much this has affected me, emotionally and spiritually. I desired to know the love of a father who would cheer me on and love me for my failures.

But I never did.

In John 14:18, Jesus says this: "I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." Even through the battle of a heart who longs for the love of a father, I know I can look to my heavenly father; the only one who has never forsaken me. It is all I can do. When the world tells me to give up on love, the gentle voice of my Father whispers, don't give up, I will love you forever and be with you to the ends of the earth, always. 


I know I have a long journey ahead of me to heal from where I never knew the love of an earthly father. But I will always remember that the love of my heavenly father is unfailing, sustaining, mysterious, and stronger  than any love I will ever experience. It is the only truth I can hold on to.

Father, continue to show me your healing love, for I long to love you more. 

Being Different for a Purpose

Many times I wonder about the concept of "fitting in." To me, I don't understand why a human being only feels complete when they fit into a certain crowd of people. But then I think about the concept of acceptance; everyone wants to be accepted by someone. Since the beginning, all the way in Genesis 3, we have had this empty lonely feeling and we are more than desperate to feel it up with something. That something isn't always a good thing. It could be friendships, romantic relationships, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. Nevertheless, we pursue anything that seems filling, whether it is or not.

I've come to the realization, however, that none of these things will ever fill my heart's desire. Over the course of the past year, I have come to know the love of a beautiful Savior. In the midst of darkness I was living in, this man came to my rescue and loved me with a deep passionate love that no other could have ever loved me with. This love was so consuming that it redefined how I saw myself because my thoughts were consumed with the lies the devil had led me to believe.

I have learned many things about myself than I thought I could ever know, many of them being negative traits. Through this journey, God has led me to see the truth of who He has made me to be and how he is still  transforming me. It has been a hard path but I know that God has changed the heart of one who never knew true, forgiving, transforming love. It is only because of this love that invites me to step out of the world and into His presence. When the world is calling me to be like it, my true love calls me to step out and be different.

Are We Called to a Life of Suffering?

In 1 Peter 2:19-21 it says this: "For it is commendable if you bear up under the pain of unjust suffering because you are conscious of God. But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps."


If you read the verses before this it is talking about servants submitting themselves to their masters. Yet, aren't we all servants of God? This then brings up the question of: Does that mean we are to suffer as His servants as well? When we look in scripture and at these verses specifically, the answer is clearly Yes. So why is it that many believe that we are not called to this very thing? Bruce Archer believes the reason is this: "The way I see it, most Christians in America have had a watered-down, distorted presentation of the gospel given to them in the first place. This watered-down gospel then produces watered-down living. This is a kind of living that seeks the prosperity and comfort of the new believer. The focus is all on what Jesus can do for me, or how I will benefit in this life by believing in Jesus." 


Over the past year, I have learned that we are not called to live comfortable lives if we desire to be disciples of Christ. But something I've really been learning is that He has called us to suffer as well. If we look at Paul's example in Philippians, we read that he desired to suffer for the gospel: "I want to know Christ-yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead (3:10-11)." If we were to look at the disciples in the book of Acts, we see much suffering, but also rejoicing from the suffering they endured! "The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name (5:41)." And the most important example is Jesus Christ himself, who suffered and was crucified to redeem our unworthy souls. In this, he set the example for us as it says in 1 Peter 2:21: "To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." I feel that this is a critical verse in the New Testament because the word "example", or  ὑπογραμμὸν (hupogrammon) in Greek, is only used this one time. If it is only used one time throughout the New Testament, wouldn't it obviously be important? Christ not only suffered on the cross for us, but to set an example for us to follow. 


It is also crucial for us to know that Christ did not call us to live a lukewarm life, but to deny ourselves and pick up our cross DAILY and follow him (Luke 9:23). It can be seen in Revelation how God truly feels about lukewarm Christians: "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish that you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm-neither hot nor cold-I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see (3:15-18)." 


I don't want my life to be comfortable. When God calls us to go, He doesn't mean go only if you feel like it. He means: "Go. Now. Because I called you to go. I'm calling you into the darkness to suffer for my name. If you love me, you will rejoice in this. Rejoice in trials and temptations because I am making you into what I want you to be through perseverance. I am with you to the ends of the earth. You must remember, I am sending you out as sheep into a pack of ferocious wolves. But do not worry, for I am your shield. This way is the only way to me, to love me with a consuming fire. Now go and be my disciples." 


If we do not go to all nations, how will they ever know?

Tag, You're It

Early this morning as I was spending some time in prayer and just talking to God about life, I heard sirens going off everywhere - firetrucks, ambulances, and possibly even cop cars - downtown. As I was listening to them I started thinking about the love of God. So many times, we ourselves take God out of the picture of our life, whether we mean to or not. We get so wrapped up in busy schedules, people, or just pure laziness; we don't give God the time he desires of us. But listening to all of these sirens made me think about how God chases after us as long as it takes. Like those important vehicles, God doesn't let anything stand in the way of getting to where he needs to go. Whether He needs to move mountains, oceans, or even forests, He will get to His destination - He removes any obstacle that stands in His path. But when it comes to us, His creation, He removed the one obstacle that stood in the way of us and Him - sin.


Isaiah 59:2 says - "But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear." When I first read this, it broke my heart because for God not to hear me because of my sins is the most terrifying thing to me. God is my everything but sin separates me from Him. But  I remember this obstacle that stands in the way and how God removed it (no matter the cost) with the death of His only son - Jesus Christ. And unlike the old way, this was a one time sacrifice that covered all sin for eternity. That is the beauty in God's sacrificial love: to cover us forever in His blood.


Isaiah 59 goes on to say, "The Redeemer will come to Zion, to those in Jacob who repent of their sins, declares the Lord." The Redeemer being Jesus, came charging after us even in our unrighteousness because His love was too great. We can even see that in the very beginning of Genesis when God makes coverings for Adam and Even right after they had done exactly what He told them not to do.


"Now that we are set right with God by means of this sacrificial death, the consummate blood sacrifice, there is no longer a question of being at odds with God in any way. If, when we were at our worst, we were put on friendly terms with God by the sacrificial death of his Son, now that we're at our best, just think of how our lives will expand and deepen by means of his resurrection life! Now that we have actually received this amazing friendship with God, we are no longer content to simply say it in plodding prose. We sing and shout our praises to God through Jesus, the Messiah!" ~ Romans 5:9-11 (MSG)


This love is better than any earthly love we will ever come in contact with.