God of Peace

Today, I decided to go outside in nature and spend time with the Lord. I'm at my grandma's this weekend so it's hard to get away at times. But as I was sitting, this is what I wrote in my journal:

"As I sit here, all I here is a dog barking his head off because of me. He thinks I'm on his territory, or he's afraid of me. The thoughts in my head as I sit in the beauty of your creation is that we are just like this. We desire for so many to hear what it is we have to say and we'll do or say whatever it is to be heard. It's our human instinct to desire this, for others to know the deep details of our life. Sometimes we're so desperate for this that we give ourselves away, whether physically or emotionally, risking the fullness of our hearts in the hands of a human being, I don't think this desire is wrong, but we've been made to experience a relationship like this already, with one who desires the same kind of relationship. ' For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.' (Psalm 139) The more I entangle my emotions with humans, the more I feel unsatisfied. And the answer is so simple as to why: We were made to be entangled in the One who knows us completely, and loves like no other. As I grow older, I understand this concept more and more. I know each person I form a relationship with is going to fail me and I will fail them. But I know my god will never fail me, even though I will fail Him. Because the truth is that God is looking intently for those who love Him. His love never fails and always satisfies. We can always entangle ourselves in Him but never come out with a broken heart. I'm tired of being a loud, barking dog. It's time I become like a sparrow, always counting on the unfailing One who provides." 

I think about how many times this happens, that we so willingly give our hearts away without meaning to. While vulnerability is normal, we must guard the inner parts of our soul and give them to the Protector. He longs for us to come to Him first. He never says no to what we have to say :)

"For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him." 2 Chronicles 16:9 

Holding Nothing Back

I'm learning in this life that God calls His servants to do things that they would normally not do, things that are uncomfortable. Things that people don't understand and things that the world says you're crazy if you do it. But Jesus clearly says in Matthew 10:39 "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

My whole life I have taken the easy way out or listened to others about what I "should" or "shouldn't" do, you know, the simple comfortable thing. I get so wrapped up in what others will think about me if I do a certain thing. I never knew this about myself until this year. Whether I'm trying to please my family and friends or someone I look up to, it happens.

It gets tiring trying to please people. I think I'm ready to please the One who deserves all of my dedication.

I'm ready to loose my life for something that's greater than me so that I can find my life. No that doesn't make sense whatsoever, but I hold onto that promise; the promise that gives me true life. In saying this I'm unsure of what will happen next at this point of my life but I know it will be great. Something I can't piece together or imagine right now. With Jesus, it's all in or nothing right? When God closes one door, He will always open another if you are willing. I'm willing. No matter the cost. I may even look crazy to some. Courageous to others. But there's nothing special about me, honestly. Except that something changed my life: the deep love of Jesus Christ. Oh how I'm seeing His love more and more. And seeing that He doesn't call us to live for ourselves...

I'm ready to find my life.

"In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. I trust in you, do not let me be put to shame nor let my enemies triumph over me." Psalm 25:1-2