Stand Out. Stand Up.

I am imperfect.

And Satan reminds me of that daily.

I dwell on the unbearing thought that I have imperfections and flaws that make me who I am. 

I don't always like the fact that I am who I am because of them...

I have recently discovered this blog, chattingatthesky.com, that imposes truth on my fragile heart time and time again. The author of this blog reveals that underneath her put together life, that she is not so put together after all. That she is in desperate need of grace. It really does minister to my soul. You should check it out.

As I read and discover her heart more, I am reminded of my own self. There is a longing that is stirring up inside of me to want to change this dark and desperate world; yet, I seem to lack the courage in every department to move in any sort of direction. Fear hides around the corner no matter where I turn. It hides itself in many ugly forms though.

What will people think of me if I do this?

Are others doing this?

Will I be able to fulfill this mission?

Do I have what it takes?

The list could go on...

In Joshua 1, I sense God's need to remind Joshua to be courageous. Joshua was to succeed Moses in leadership, to lead a large number of people to the land the Lord had reserved for the Israelites. I can only imagine how Joshua was feeling about that daunting task. The Israelites were a tough crowd nonetheless in a larger overview. They had abandoned their God time and time again. Yet, Joshua took up this task. But when God's heart speaks to his servant Joshua, I sense that He is speaking to one who is fearful of the task ahead of him:

 "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them. "Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (1:6-9)

If you missed it, God says to be strong and courageous not just one time but three times. 

Be strong and courageous.

Be strong and very courageous.

Be strong and courageous. 

And lastly God says:

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged (the opposite of courageous..). 

From these three verses alone, I sense that Joshua was like you and me: scared. He was like any human being with imperfections and doubts that he would never measure up to the ideal person (in his case, Moses). 

But God spoke truth when he needed it the most. And God is speaking it to you and me if we are willing to hear His voice. 

As we go on fighting the fight, let us fight with courage, knowing that our God is the God of courage and strength. 

Find courage.

Be courage.

Live courage.

Shaky Bones

As I went for a walk this evening, I watched the sunset all around me. Blue skies gone pink and orange with a hint of purple peeking through. Walking, I chatted at the sky. More like to the Lord. The thing about the sky setting at night is that that is its purpose in life. The sun will always rise, whether you see it or not. It will make its mark on the sky and in return the sky will portray various colors throughout the day. 

That is its purpose. 

Sometimes, I'm completely clueless about what my purpose is in life. It's a mystery that I can't seem to solve. Most times, I feel like a nomad roaming on this place called earth. I bounce back and forth from one thing to another without ever feeling as if that's what I'm really called to do. I think I'm at a crossroad; yet, I stand before hundreds of roads it feels like without any sort of direction. I pray for direction with no clear understanding of the Lord or my ears miss his small gentle voice. I live in confusion most times...

In doubt and confusion, I feel like I'm flawed. I see so many of my friends around me following their calling as I sit, continuing to wait. I can't help to think that I missed something.

I recently was married to the most amazing person on the entire planet, if I must say so myself. This man brings me joy and happiness. He understands me like no other person I've known. To be his wife is an honor. 

This is my purpose: to love him until death does us part. 

But it is not my only purpose and it is not my identity.

When these thoughts rush endlessly through my mind and begin to captivate my heart, I'm reminded of these scriptures:

"...the God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not." Romans 4:17

"We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God." 2 Corinthians 5:20

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf..." Hebrews 6:19

"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." 1 John 4:12

I must remind my heart always of my true purpose in life. Whether living in a jungle, a third world country, or in my American home. My purpose is the same.

To bring life to the dead.

My purpose is to take the light of Christ to those who have fallen asleep. To wake the dead soul and bring it to Christ. 

This is my purpose in life. I don't necessarily have a specific calling on earth. But I know that even in my searching of what my calling is before going home, that I have been called to life so that I may bring life to others.

Let us shine forth into a dark, dark world.

Hiding My Soul

I've realized some things in the past few days about myself:

I'm insecure.

I worry too much.

I have a fear of failing.

I want to be perfect.

On the outside, however, I seem like I have it all together and that life is perfect already. This brings me to my fifth realization:

I'm hiding.

I'm human. I don't like to be vulnerable and I am desperately afraid of people knowing who I really am on the inside because the inside of me isn't as pretty as the outside. I fear the thought of all the people in my life knowing each mistake I've made and how I haven't measured up to the portrait of who I'm suppose to be in their eyes. Sometimes I want to run and scream in the other direction of everything I know so that I don't have to face the life that I feel that I'm not measuring up to. Instead, I put on a "I have it all together" mask on and hide who I am underneath.

Sometimes I want to rip my mask off and be free...

I want to be confident.

I want to not worry about things I can't control. 

I want to know that I will never be perfect and fail but still be ok with it.

I want to be found.

I think as people, we put too much into what others think of us. This is called our reputation and we would do anything to live up to the standard that comes with that reputation. 

As I was reading in the Word last night, I came to Philippians 3:4-6: 

(Paul)

"Though I myself have reasons for such confidence.If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless."

Paul had a great reputation that he had to measure up to. Circumcised. Israelite. Tribe of Benjamin. Hebrew. Pharisee. Zealous. Faultless.

Yet, in the next few verses you read this:

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ  and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings,becoming like him in his death,  and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead." 

I find comfort and encouragement in this. For like Paul, I'm not required to measure up to this standard I've placed on myself. I can consider these things loss for the sake of Christ. 

There will be times that I will gladly put on that mask. I'm still human.

But knowing there's freedom waiting for me in taking it off?

That's the beauty in being found.

"But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

Redeeming Love

The Old Testament is intriguing. The words you read are so real and even unreal at times. I've heard times over and over again by our culture that the Old Testament has no relation to our lives today. 

But it does.

It offers and sets up the story of redemption that we see in the New Testament. Without knowledge of the OT, I'm not so sure that we could fully understand the New Testament. Without knowledge of the past, we will never understand fully why there was a need for redemption.

The book of Hosea has become one of my favorite Old Testament books if not my favorite book of the Bible. I read it first on my first trip to Togo. I've read it multiple times since then because it offers hope for this fragile heart. It offers a story of redemption to one so undeserving of it. 

If you have never read this book, here is an overview: Hosea was a prophet called by God to the northern kingdom of Israel who had become a very sinful nation and who had forsaken their God. In return, God called Hosea to take a prostitute as his wife to be a real life witness of the Lord's love for His people. Hosea obeyed and took Gomer, an adulterous woman, as his wife. She then began to conceive children, possibly not even Hosea's children. Continuing with Israel, you clearly witness their unfaithfulness to God. As Gomer is unfaithful to Hosea, Israel is unfaithful to their God. Though He wishes to destroy them, God never can bring himself to do this task because His love is too strong for them and He longs to rescue and restore them.

This story offers hope to this fragile heart. As I read Hosea over and over again, I can relate because I can whisper that...

I am Israel,

I have forsaken my God over and over again,

I have had to be rescued countless times..

This story brings tears to my eyes each time Gomer is unfaithful to her husband, Hosea. It is a covenant between husband and wife, yet, it is broken more than once.

But haven't we broken a similar covenant with God more than once?

"Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." (Deuteronomy 6:4-5)

"And if we are careful to obey all this law before the Lord our God, as he has commanded us, that will be our righteousness." (Deuteronomy 6:25)

As I meditate upon the words of Hosea to the people of Israel, I am pierced to the heart with conviction. 

“Haul your mother into court. Accuse her!

    She’s no longer my wife.

    I’m no longer her husband.

Tell her to quit dressing like a whore,

    displaying her breasts for sale.

If she refuses, I’ll rip off her clothes

    and expose her, naked as a newborn.

I’ll turn her skin into dried-out leather,

    her body into a badlands landscape,

    a rack of bones in the desert.

I’ll have nothing to do with her children,

    born one and all in a whorehouse.

Face it: Your mother’s been a whore,

    bringing bastard children into the world.

She said, ‘I’m off to see my lovers!

    They’ll wine and dine me,

Dress and caress me,

    perfume and adorn me!’

But I’ll fix her: I’ll dump her in a field of thistles,

    then lose her in a dead-end alley.

She’ll go on the hunt for her lovers

    but not bring down a single one.

She’ll look high and low

    but won’t find a one. Then she’ll say,

‘I’m going back to my husband, the one I started out with.

    That was a better life by far than this one.’

She didn't know that it was I all along

    who wined and dined and adorned her,

That I was the one who dressed her up

    in the big-city fashions and jewelry

    that she wasted on wild Baal-orgies.

I’m about to bring her up short: No more wining and dining!

    Silk lingerie and gowns are a thing of the past.

I’ll expose her genitals to the public.

    All her fly-by-night lovers will be helpless to help her.

Party time is over. I’m calling a halt to the whole business,

    her wild weekends and unholy holidays.

I’ll wreck her sumptuous gardens and ornamental fountains,

    of which she bragged, ‘Whoring paid for all this!’

They will soon be dumping grounds for garbage,

    feeding grounds for stray dogs and cats.

I’ll make her pay for her indulgence in promiscuous religion—

    all that sensuous Baal worship

And all the promiscuous sex that went with it,

    stalking her lovers, dressed to kill,

And not a thought for me.”

    God’s Message!

(Hosea 2:2-13)

In all of their wicked deeds, they forsook the only good and true thing that could ever exist. But I call this scripture to mind from the last chapter in Hosea:

"I will heal their way wardness and love them freely, for my anger has turned away from them." (14:4)

This gives me hope like no other. This story is a beautiful example of redeeming love that the Father has for me and for you. To say that the old testament is irrelevant now is largely mistaken and even offensive. It gives us a greater appreciation for grace, something that we now receive because of Christ. This heart of mine takes refuge in these words that God whispers so gently to me and I will deeply cherish them forever. 

"The Lord did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. But it was because the Lord loved you and kept the oath he swore to your ancestors that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt. Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments."

(Deuteronomy 7:7-9) 

Having a Job go to the Hospital

The past three weeks have been hard. Over the span of about 7 days, I developed a very infectious boil under my arm, unable to do anything. It caused a great deal of pain and frustration due to the fact that I wasn't able to sleep, move my arm, or be around my favorite children from fear of them pulling on my arm. By the first week of having this, I was discouraged beyond belief. I came home one day from the clinic, dizzy and nauseus, and sat there and cried. Like any normal person, I demanded an answer from the Lord about why I had to go through this. I thought coming to third world country for almost 3 months, serving and loving the Lord wholeheartedely was enough. Not to come and sit in my room crying and suffering from this giant mass under my arm. I was a broken and confused human being. 

Yet, in that moment and the ones falling it, I learned how small I am in this world. That I am but a breath of air passing by. As I continued sitting there angry and upset, I thought about Job, a man who was deliberately put to the test for his love and dedication of God himself:

"And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?” Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Does Job fear God for no reason? Have you not put a hedge around him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. But stretch out your hand and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand.” So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord." (Job 1:8-12)

"And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, he is in your hand; only spare his life.” (2:6)

After God allows Satan to have control over him, by killing everything he owned and even inflicting him with sores, this is what Job does:

"Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong” (1:20-22)

Many people may look past the whole point of this story and question why God would allow this to begin with. That's not the point. As humans, we have no right to question the way and authority of God. Should the clay tell the potter that he didn't shape it how it should have been shaped? Should the creation cry out to the creator that he did not create something of good standard? Absolutely not. Like Job, we must learn to praise God in the good and bad times. For Job says: "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" (2:10) If we are only praising Him in the good, we are missing the entire point altogether. Even Paul, a man over familiar with hardship, knew that "We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God." (Acts 14:22). 

Not to mention Christ on the cross...

Two days later, however, I was taken to the hospital to see what could be done about it. Unfortunately, the only option we had was to let it be cut open for the infection to be taken out. I have never had to go through any surgery my entire life. I never thought I would go through something like that in Africa either. I never expected someone to cut open my arm with a blade...without numbing medicine. I pray I never have to go through that again. Although this experience was a trying time, I praise God daily for it. It's all I can do. If it wasn't for these last few weeks here, I may have never had the chance to learn this lesson in the first place.

Maybe it's the reason I was to come back to small little Togo to begin with. 

"The Lord said to Job: Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!" (Job 40:1-2)

"For he wounds but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal." (Job 5:18)

Lord have your way in me.   

 

Loving on Jacque

Today as I went to church, I didn't expect to see my sweet seven year old friend, Jacque, with a swollen shut and red eye. I didn't expect tears to come to my own eyes when I saw him. I didn't expect to walk with him with his hand in mine the whole way home, he never leaving my side. I didn't expect my heart to ache each time I saw him looking down in Sunday school, when he is almost always laughing and smiling along with the others. I didn't expect him to look at me with those eyes as if saying it hurts.

I didn't expect my heart to filled with an immense amount of love that I couldn't even handle it myself.

 My heart has never been so broken. When you see others in pain you feel bad for them. When you see someone you've come to love in pain, you feel the pain yourself. You do anything you can to try and help. Whether it's taking them to the hospital or holding their small, tiny hand in yours and never letting go.

If there's one thing I've learned while being here in Togo, is that you can't love these people on your own. There's no way possible that I can love these people. The only way possible is through Christ in me. It's not easy to love. I could say the opposite is true. Today I had to love through Christ because every part of me wanted to be angry at whatever caused the pain for my sweet friend; yet, Christ called me to love him for that moment. 

This reminds me of Jesus and the small children. The disciples saw the children coming, running with excitement to Jesus; yet, the disciples rebuke them and tell them to leave him alone. At this, Jesus becomes ferious at them and yells, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." (Mark 10:14) He then takes the children into his arms and loves them with blessings.

This has become one of my favorite stories since I've been here in Togo. The children here are what draw me to this place, because otherwise, I would not be here. Being away from home isn't easy. But seeing and hearing about children being killed for satanic worship is worse. So many of them have no choice but to follow these practices as they grow up because it's all they are exposed to. Yet, their souls are at risk of being punished for eternity. If my life on earth is but a flash, I'm willing to give everything to love the least of these.

In loving Jacque today, I learned that all it takes to love a child is plenty of hugs, laughing, and letting them lay in your lap while holding their hand as you read them a book. It's that easy.

The affect, however, is eternal. 

"Jesus looked at them and said, 'With human beings this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."' (Mark 10:27)


"Out of the mouth of babies and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger." (Psalm 8:2)

Blankets and Kisses

I am so thankful for days like these. Days where hot chocolate and cuddling with children watching Ernest Goes to Africa, listening to laughter and rain falling outside is perfect. As I woke up this morning, I expected to see the sun shining but instead watched the rain fall outside of my window. I drew my blanket closer to me as I thought about the comforting love of the Savior and felt the cold air outside. It's not too often that it's cold here. But on these days, I'm reminded of the love and perfect grace Christ gives us. Like when you wear a white shirt, it doesn't matter how dirty you are at the end of the day because the hugs and back rides of little ones are more important. I'm reminded each time the children are filthy and are covered in dirt, you can't help but to pick them up and cover them in kisses. Each time a small, helpless baby falls asleep in your arms with her tiny fingers wrapped around yours, I can't help but be in awe. The Lord sings over us with His unfailing love each day; yet, I believe we are so close minded to the ways that he reminds us that we can't even see it. We need to open our minds to the mysterious ways of God because He is revealing Himself more than we are even aware of. Even now, as my 6 year old sweet girl sits with me at the table drawing and learning her numbers in English (her third language), I'm humbled at the feet of Jesus.

It's on days like these that I'm reminded that His love is better than life.

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you,

as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. 

So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,

beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life,

my lips will praise you.

So I will bless you as long as I live;

in your name I will lift up my hands."

 Psalm 63