When Love Seems Lost

I sit here paralyzed with my emotions. Fear, confusion, raw tears fall. My heart is breaking. My heart does not understand. Why is everyday a battle? 

Why does Love not seem to always conquer?

This election season has taken a toll on not just me but our country as a whole. I am not a political person but I am wrapped up in the emotions in the after math. I do not even talk about politics or understand everything going on in them at times. But people are scared. People are hiding. People are literally afraid for their lives. When did this become the norm for our country? I've had to stop myself from looking at hundreds of posts revealing the catastrophic events that have happened before and after the election of Donald Trump as the 45th president of the United States. 

Why does Love seem to be hiding?

What I can't wrap my mind around is the fact that, based on who you voted for this year, determines your safety. I watched a video of an older man literally being beaten up by several African American young people because he voted for D. Trump and threatened to steal his car by almost driving off. 

Where are you Love?

I think many are questioning what are we suppose to do next. What are we as the Church suppose to do in light of this situation in front of us. Are we suppose to fight for justice for the persecuted or are we suppose to back down for fear of being persecuted ourselves? Do we stand with our brothers and sisters of different races, ethnicities, genders, religions, or sexual orientations who are different than us? Oh please yes God may we stand with them. But what happens if we are persecuted along with them?

We fight.

And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

As much as I want to hide in fear, I want more to stand with the weak. To be Jesus to those hurting. To those who have to fear their life. To those who are being persecuted. We have a responsibility to be the Church that Jesus desires for us to be. Love is not hiding: it is living inside of us. We must go and show the world that we are standing with them and for them. Love will conquer in the end. 

Even if it seems to be lost.

Finding Hope

Today, I am 24 weeks pregnant with a little baby girl. Her name is Hope Alia Palaganas. As I write this, she's kicking me in the bladder. But that's a blessing to me. You see, at 10 weeks pregnant, I was in the hospital. Alone. Afraid. And hopeless. I had a blood clot that caused abnormal amounts of bleeding late that night. I didn't find out until the next morning what was wrong. The ER doctor called it a threatened miscarriage. My doctor said it was just a small clot caused by the placenta separating from the uterus and not to worry about it. That it was normal in early pregnancy. Several people throughout my pregnancy have said similar things, that bleeding in pregnancy is normal.

That is not normal to me.

That is not the way God intended it to be. 

Then he said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.”

This was the punishment in the garden from God to Eden for disobeying him. He gave his first man and woman only one rule and they disregarded it. Because of that, women would suffer pain in childbirth and other complications that came along with it. If that is the case, then how can we be confident in pregnancy, knowing whether we will lose the life inside?

Hope. 

The dictionary defines hope as a feeling of desire for something and confidence in the possibility of its fulfillment. In this passage from Bible Study Tools we read this about hope in the Old Testament Scriptures:

"For much of the Old Testament period hope was centered on this world. The beleaguered hoped to be delivered from their enemies ( Psalm 25 ); the sick hoped to recover from illness ( Isa 38:10-20 ). Israelites trusted God to provide land, peace, and prosperity. In early passages there are few expressions of hope for the next world. Those who descend to the grave have no hope ( Isa 38:18-19 ). Only those still living could hope ( Ecclesiastes 9:4-6  Ecclesiastes 9:10 ), as salvation was for this life. Toward the end of the Old Testament God made known his plan to bring his everlasting kingdom to earth ( Dan 2:44 ;  7:13-14 ) and to raise the dead ( 12:2 ). At that point hope became more focused on the next world, especially on the resurrection. God will "swallow up death forever" ( Isa 25:7 ), and the dead will rise again (26:19); this is the salvation for which the faithful wait ( 25:9 )."

I find comfort in knowing that God will swallow up death forever. 

After leaving the hospital, I went in a downward spiral of fear, loneliness, and hopelessness. You do not tell someone who's biggest fear is loosing someone that they almost had a miscarriage. 

But God is faithful. 

At my 23 week check up, the doctor told me that my baby was easy to work with and that "that was easy" to find her heartbeat. For a new mother to be, hearing those words are reassuring. Pregnancy is definitely a different experience but I am overjoyed that I get the chance to carry this little growing girl inside of me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry a little. 

But God is faithful, even in the darkness...

I am reminded of the woman who was bleeding for 12 years who had lost all hope whatsoever of being healed. In her culture, she was considered unclean because of her bleeding. That meant that human contact was forbidden. Think about never being touched or hugged by another person for twelve years. Talk about loneliness. But what does Jesus do? He gives her hope directly from heaven.  When she touches his cloak, she is instantly healed. A miracle. Not only was she healed, but she was called "Daughter" by God himself. I have goosebumps just imagining this scene play out. (Matthew 9:20-22; Mark 5:25-34; Luke 8:43-48)

I have many expectations for my baby. Not in the way you think though.

I pray that she will be a dreamer.

I pray that she will be a seeker.

I pray that she will be a lover of broken things.

I pray that she will be the hope of heaven. 

Before Kevin and I even found out that we were pregnant, we had decided on Hope as a baby girl's name if it ever was to be. Before we found out that we were having a baby girl, we decided on Hope Alia as her first and middle name. It isn't surprising then that before my hospital visit that we had already picked this name out. I don't believe in coincidences at all. 

Hope = a person or thing that gives cause for hope

Alia = from heaven

I would say that she is living up to her name so far. 

"There's still too many..."

As I sit here writing, for the first time in ages it feels like no doubt, my house sits in ruin with clothes to be folded, dishes to be washed, and no creamer to accompany my coffee in the morning. There's homework to be done and planning for the future that seems to haunt me at every moment. As a wife, student, and employee there seems to be rare moments where I can find peace in just sitting when my daily chores written on my never ending invisible list daunt me. But it's moments like these that I must resist accomplishing everything that needs to be done, even for a few minutes, for the sake of my soul. 

Reflecting on the past six months is something that I discourage myself to do. It brings up pain, heartache, fear, and betrayal, even loneliness. Yet, it brings up joy, happiness, and loving memories between my husband and I. But as a whole, the past few months have been hard ones. With the move from my Beloved Home, NC to A Place in the Middle of Nowhere, TN, it has been a rough road to ride on, one that I wouldn't want anyone to travel. As newlyweds, we thought starting a new journey here would be exciting and bring new adventures; however, through the difficulty of finding a job, making new friends and loosing old ones, and trying to pay the sky-high hospital bills that never stopped coming, we lost hope of that dream. However, God continues to prove us wrong in every "hopeless" situation that we continue to face. This journey has proved to be a lonely one in the long run but God remains our cornerstone and strength in the face of impossible situations. When this hopelessness and despair begins to settle in my heart, I am reminded of the small army that God used in the Old Testament to defeat a larger army that delighted in their oppressive powers.

 In Judges 7:1-8 we read this:

"Early in the morning, Jerub-Baal (that is, Gideon) and all his men camped at the spring of Harod. The camp of Midian was north of them in the valley near the hill of Moreh.The Lord said to Gideon, “You have too many men. I cannot deliver Midian into their hands, or Israel would boast against me, ‘My own strength has saved me.’ Now announce to the army, ‘Anyone who trembles with fear may turn back and leave Mount Gilead.’” So twenty-two thousand men left, while ten thousand remained^.  But the Lord said to Gideon, “There are still too many men. Take them down to the water, and I will thin them out for you there. If I say, ‘This one shall go with you,’ he shall go; but if I say, ‘This one shall not go with you,’ he shall not go.”

So Gideon took the men down to the water. There the Lord told him, “Separate those who lap the water with their tongues as a dog laps from those who kneel down to drink.”  Three hundred of them drank from cupped hands, lapping like dogs. All the rest got down on their knees to drink. The Lord said to Gideon, “With the three hundred men that lapped I will save you and give the Midianites into your hands. Let all the others go home.” So Gideon sent the rest of the Israelites home but kept the three hundred, who took over the provisions and trumpets of the others."

For those who have not read this passage, Gideon has been called upon by Yahweh to lead the Israelites, God's people, into battle with the Midianites, the oppressors of the Israelites, and to save the people. (If you would like to read the whole story, see Judges 7-8). Despite the fact that Gideon will eventually lead the people into a cultic worship, we see that God uses him for the glory of the Lord's name when we witness an army of 300 men overpower a force that was large enough to completely destroy them.

  

In reading this story, God saturates my soul with hope. He reminds me that He is the God of Impossibilities. My mind is so small that it cannot fathom how an army of 300 men could possibly defeat a whole army; in context, this army would not have even be trained as soldiers and would know nothing about fighting an army! Yet, God displays his sovreignty. He makes it known to Gideon that his army is too large and that this cannot be for the sake of men but for His name's sake. It is only by the Lord's power that the Canaanite peoples will be defeated. 

In trials of this life, let us be reminded that we are serving a God who is capable of providing victory to the lowly and incapable, to the small and defeated, to the hungry and broken in heart. Let us be reminded that if God can raise an army of 300 to defeat an army too big to imagine that he can surely do miracles in our own sufferings. Let us not be so quick to accept defeat but instead let us allow the God of impossibilities to prove his power and strength so that in His power, our sufferings will produce glory.  

  

We were not created for defeat. We were created for victory. We were created for more. 

Stand Out. Stand Up.

I am imperfect.

And Satan reminds me of that daily.

I dwell on the unbearing thought that I have imperfections and flaws that make me who I am. 

I don't always like the fact that I am who I am because of them...

I have recently discovered this blog, chattingatthesky.com, that imposes truth on my fragile heart time and time again. The author of this blog reveals that underneath her put together life, that she is not so put together after all. That she is in desperate need of grace. It really does minister to my soul. You should check it out.

As I read and discover her heart more, I am reminded of my own self. There is a longing that is stirring up inside of me to want to change this dark and desperate world; yet, I seem to lack the courage in every department to move in any sort of direction. Fear hides around the corner no matter where I turn. It hides itself in many ugly forms though.

What will people think of me if I do this?

Are others doing this?

Will I be able to fulfill this mission?

Do I have what it takes?

The list could go on...

In Joshua 1, I sense God's need to remind Joshua to be courageous. Joshua was to succeed Moses in leadership, to lead a large number of people to the land the Lord had reserved for the Israelites. I can only imagine how Joshua was feeling about that daunting task. The Israelites were a tough crowd nonetheless in a larger overview. They had abandoned their God time and time again. Yet, Joshua took up this task. But when God's heart speaks to his servant Joshua, I sense that He is speaking to one who is fearful of the task ahead of him:

 "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them. "Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (1:6-9)

If you missed it, God says to be strong and courageous not just one time but three times. 

Be strong and courageous.

Be strong and very courageous.

Be strong and courageous. 

And lastly God says:

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged (the opposite of courageous..). 

From these three verses alone, I sense that Joshua was like you and me: scared. He was like any human being with imperfections and doubts that he would never measure up to the ideal person (in his case, Moses). 

But God spoke truth when he needed it the most. And God is speaking it to you and me if we are willing to hear His voice. 

As we go on fighting the fight, let us fight with courage, knowing that our God is the God of courage and strength. 

Find courage.

Be courage.

Live courage.

Shaky Bones

As I went for a walk this evening, I watched the sunset all around me. Blue skies gone pink and orange with a hint of purple peeking through. Walking, I chatted at the sky. More like to the Lord. The thing about the sky setting at night is that that is its purpose in life. The sun will always rise, whether you see it or not. It will make its mark on the sky and in return the sky will portray various colors throughout the day. 

That is its purpose. 

Sometimes, I'm completely clueless about what my purpose is in life. It's a mystery that I can't seem to solve. Most times, I feel like a nomad roaming on this place called earth. I bounce back and forth from one thing to another without ever feeling as if that's what I'm really called to do. I think I'm at a crossroad; yet, I stand before hundreds of roads it feels like without any sort of direction. I pray for direction with no clear understanding of the Lord or my ears miss his small gentle voice. I live in confusion most times...

In doubt and confusion, I feel like I'm flawed. I see so many of my friends around me following their calling as I sit, continuing to wait. I can't help to think that I missed something.

I recently was married to the most amazing person on the entire planet, if I must say so myself. This man brings me joy and happiness. He understands me like no other person I've known. To be his wife is an honor. 

This is my purpose: to love him until death does us part. 

But it is not my only purpose and it is not my identity.

When these thoughts rush endlessly through my mind and begin to captivate my heart, I'm reminded of these scriptures:

"...the God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not." Romans 4:17

"We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God." 2 Corinthians 5:20

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf..." Hebrews 6:19

"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." 1 John 4:12

I must remind my heart always of my true purpose in life. Whether living in a jungle, a third world country, or in my American home. My purpose is the same.

To bring life to the dead.

My purpose is to take the light of Christ to those who have fallen asleep. To wake the dead soul and bring it to Christ. 

This is my purpose in life. I don't necessarily have a specific calling on earth. But I know that even in my searching of what my calling is before going home, that I have been called to life so that I may bring life to others.

Let us shine forth into a dark, dark world.

Hiding My Soul

I've realized some things in the past few days about myself:

I'm insecure.

I worry too much.

I have a fear of failing.

I want to be perfect.

On the outside, however, I seem like I have it all together and that life is perfect already. This brings me to my fifth realization:

I'm hiding.

I'm human. I don't like to be vulnerable and I am desperately afraid of people knowing who I really am on the inside because the inside of me isn't as pretty as the outside. I fear the thought of all the people in my life knowing each mistake I've made and how I haven't measured up to the portrait of who I'm suppose to be in their eyes. Sometimes I want to run and scream in the other direction of everything I know so that I don't have to face the life that I feel that I'm not measuring up to. Instead, I put on a "I have it all together" mask on and hide who I am underneath.

Sometimes I want to rip my mask off and be free...

I want to be confident.

I want to not worry about things I can't control. 

I want to know that I will never be perfect and fail but still be ok with it.

I want to be found.

I think as people, we put too much into what others think of us. This is called our reputation and we would do anything to live up to the standard that comes with that reputation. 

As I was reading in the Word last night, I came to Philippians 3:4-6: 

(Paul)

"Though I myself have reasons for such confidence.If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless."

Paul had a great reputation that he had to measure up to. Circumcised. Israelite. Tribe of Benjamin. Hebrew. Pharisee. Zealous. Faultless.

Yet, in the next few verses you read this:

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ  and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings,becoming like him in his death,  and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead." 

I find comfort and encouragement in this. For like Paul, I'm not required to measure up to this standard I've placed on myself. I can consider these things loss for the sake of Christ. 

There will be times that I will gladly put on that mask. I'm still human.

But knowing there's freedom waiting for me in taking it off?

That's the beauty in being found.

"But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

Redeeming Love

The Old Testament is intriguing. The words you read are so real and even unreal at times. I've heard times over and over again by our culture that the Old Testament has no relation to our lives today. 

But it does.

It offers and sets up the story of redemption that we see in the New Testament. Without knowledge of the OT, I'm not so sure that we could fully understand the New Testament. Without knowledge of the past, we will never understand fully why there was a need for redemption.

The book of Hosea has become one of my favorite Old Testament books if not my favorite book of the Bible. I read it first on my first trip to Togo. I've read it multiple times since then because it offers hope for this fragile heart. It offers a story of redemption to one so undeserving of it. 

If you have never read this book, here is an overview: Hosea was a prophet called by God to the northern kingdom of Israel who had become a very sinful nation and who had forsaken their God. In return, God called Hosea to take a prostitute as his wife to be a real life witness of the Lord's love for His people. Hosea obeyed and took Gomer, an adulterous woman, as his wife. She then began to conceive children, possibly not even Hosea's children. Continuing with Israel, you clearly witness their unfaithfulness to God. As Gomer is unfaithful to Hosea, Israel is unfaithful to their God. Though He wishes to destroy them, God never can bring himself to do this task because His love is too strong for them and He longs to rescue and restore them.

This story offers hope to this fragile heart. As I read Hosea over and over again, I can relate because I can whisper that...

I am Israel,

I have forsaken my God over and over again,

I have had to be rescued countless times..

This story brings tears to my eyes each time Gomer is unfaithful to her husband, Hosea. It is a covenant between husband and wife, yet, it is broken more than once.

But haven't we broken a similar covenant with God more than once?

"Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." (Deuteronomy 6:4-5)

"And if we are careful to obey all this law before the Lord our God, as he has commanded us, that will be our righteousness." (Deuteronomy 6:25)

As I meditate upon the words of Hosea to the people of Israel, I am pierced to the heart with conviction. 

“Haul your mother into court. Accuse her!

    She’s no longer my wife.

    I’m no longer her husband.

Tell her to quit dressing like a whore,

    displaying her breasts for sale.

If she refuses, I’ll rip off her clothes

    and expose her, naked as a newborn.

I’ll turn her skin into dried-out leather,

    her body into a badlands landscape,

    a rack of bones in the desert.

I’ll have nothing to do with her children,

    born one and all in a whorehouse.

Face it: Your mother’s been a whore,

    bringing bastard children into the world.

She said, ‘I’m off to see my lovers!

    They’ll wine and dine me,

Dress and caress me,

    perfume and adorn me!’

But I’ll fix her: I’ll dump her in a field of thistles,

    then lose her in a dead-end alley.

She’ll go on the hunt for her lovers

    but not bring down a single one.

She’ll look high and low

    but won’t find a one. Then she’ll say,

‘I’m going back to my husband, the one I started out with.

    That was a better life by far than this one.’

She didn't know that it was I all along

    who wined and dined and adorned her,

That I was the one who dressed her up

    in the big-city fashions and jewelry

    that she wasted on wild Baal-orgies.

I’m about to bring her up short: No more wining and dining!

    Silk lingerie and gowns are a thing of the past.

I’ll expose her genitals to the public.

    All her fly-by-night lovers will be helpless to help her.

Party time is over. I’m calling a halt to the whole business,

    her wild weekends and unholy holidays.

I’ll wreck her sumptuous gardens and ornamental fountains,

    of which she bragged, ‘Whoring paid for all this!’

They will soon be dumping grounds for garbage,

    feeding grounds for stray dogs and cats.

I’ll make her pay for her indulgence in promiscuous religion—

    all that sensuous Baal worship

And all the promiscuous sex that went with it,

    stalking her lovers, dressed to kill,

And not a thought for me.”

    God’s Message!

(Hosea 2:2-13)

In all of their wicked deeds, they forsook the only good and true thing that could ever exist. But I call this scripture to mind from the last chapter in Hosea:

"I will heal their way wardness and love them freely, for my anger has turned away from them." (14:4)

This gives me hope like no other. This story is a beautiful example of redeeming love that the Father has for me and for you. To say that the old testament is irrelevant now is largely mistaken and even offensive. It gives us a greater appreciation for grace, something that we now receive because of Christ. This heart of mine takes refuge in these words that God whispers so gently to me and I will deeply cherish them forever. 

"The Lord did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. But it was because the Lord loved you and kept the oath he swore to your ancestors that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt. Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments."

(Deuteronomy 7:7-9)